It has been some time since I've sat down at this word processor to write anything. I have failed so far in continuing the Billy Burlap series and have generally had a case of writers block as far as this type of creativity is concerned. I wonder if I can still do it? I would say we shall soon find out. I still remember where the keys are anyway. Shall we proceed? I have been trying to think of some ideas to continue the Billy Burlap series but I can't decide where it will take them. What will be the point? I had an idea where Kim and Felicia spend the day at home learning new lesbian techniques with kitchen utensils. Sure it would be very erotic and humorous at the same time but where would that lead the story? Would Felicia leave Billy to pursue a lesbian relationship with Kim? Would Kim still be willing to do Billy? Where would this leave our hero? Who would be the hero of the story? Where is the internal conflict? We will have to wait until I can come up with a suitable storyline that lives up to my exacting standards. I have pride you know. At least something resembling pride. Remember the old expression "Shit eating grin"? Think about it for a moment. I'll wait. The guy who made that one up must have been a sick puppy. The other day I called a guy a "Hot Shit". He was from England. He didn't know if I was insulting him or not. I had to explain that being called a "Hot Shit" is a good thing. How strange. Next time I'll call him a "Warm Turd". That will confuse the shit out of him. He'll think he's almost a "Hot Shit". A foreign mind is a terrible thing not to fuck with. Part 2 Light Bulb Jokes I've always wanted to compile a list of light bulb jokes. Now seems like a good opportunity. The first one is just an acknowledgment. It's not funny anymore. Q. How many Pollocks does it take to change a light bulb? A. Five, one to hold on to it and four to spin the ladder around. Q. How many Psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? A. Only one, but the light bulb has to want to change. Q. How many Rock Musicians does it take to change a light bulb? A. Five, one to change the light bulb and four to stay in the dressing room, snort coke, drink wine and gang bang a groupie. Q. How many jazz musicians does it take to change a light bulb? A. Only one, but he'll complain because it's not acoustic. Q. How many country musicians does it take to change a light bulb? A. Five, one to change the light bulb and four to sing about how bad they're going to miss the old one. Q. How many School of Music students does it take to change a light bulb? A. Five, one to change the light bulb and four to say, "Hey, I can do that." Q. How many State employees does it take to change a light bulb? A. Four. One to drive the truck to get there, one to set up the ladder, one to actually do the changing and one to put in for workman's comp. Q. How many computer programmers does it take to change a light bulb? A. None. That's a hardware problem. Q. How many women does it take to change a light bulb? A. Fuck'em, let them cook in the dark. Q. How many mechanics does it take to change a light bulb? A. Only one, but he'll charge you an extra twenty because it was harder to change than he thought it was going to be. Q. How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb? A. What's a light bulb? Q. How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb? A. Only one, but you'll have to wait about two weeks. Q. How many salesmen does it take to change a light bulb? A. Only one, but he'll try and talk you into a new fixture first. Q. How many ........... Well, that's all I can think of for now. If I come up with any more I'll let you know. Part 3 The Desire to Procreate Today I was talking to a couple of our secretaries and the subject of pregnancy came up. One of them was telling us about how sick she was during her pregnancy. She made the point that even though she was sick all the time it was still a wonderful feeling. The other secretary had this look of longing on her face as if she were looking forward to it. I am convinced that deep in the subconscious of every female, there is a burning desire to be or to get pregnant. Without their conscious knowledge, all women of child-bearing age want to become pregnant. Of course there are stipulations to this theory. First, they must be free from their parents intervention. That is, unless they are using it as a means to get their "freedom" or as a rebellion. This is because the situation is not suitable for raising a curtain climber. This of course is unbeknownst to the unwitting little bim. The next stipulation is one that has just come about in the last twenty years or so. It used to be that pregnancy was unheard of outside of marriage so women would not allow sex most of the time without that gold band. Now for the stipulation. She must be having sex with someone with whom she believes will stick around for the duration. When I say duration I mean until the tike can support him/herself. This does not mean that he has made a commitment to her. It can be someone who has mentioned marriage or just someone whom she believes is the kind of guy that would feel enough responsibility toward the "accident" that he would take on the liability for the long haul. I believe that this desire to become pregnant is present in all females. It has been there in its present form since the beginning of time. It is, or at least was there as a necessary part of procreation. Even though it is a tough thing for a woman to go through, it is something that most women love to go through repeatedly. I could go off on a tangent here and say that since women love to go through this painful experience that that is why some women always go back to an abusive spouse. The pain of abuse is a replacement for the pain of childbearing. I won't get into that right know for fear of hate mail. I have found that anything present in one sex, has an equivalent in the other. For example: the female equivalent of the penis is the clitoris. The only exceptions are gynecological pelvic exams and PMS. The male equivalent to this desire to become pregnant is the male desire to poon anything with breasts. Any guy who says he does not have this desire is suppressing it. It's there. There are of course, several reasons for this. Let's first take a look at why females are for the most part monogamous. You see, the eggs in the female are by comparison "expensive." A female is born with about 400 eggs. She will never produce any more than what she was born with. That is why it is in her nature to protect any investment in one of those. She wants to be sure that her children are cared for the best way she possibly can. She only has so many eggs and out of that a relatively small number is going to turn into full fledged people. It is in her own best interest to have only one mate. Well, one mate at a time. She wants her child and herself to be taken care of without competition. This means that she wants a mate that will protect and serve her and her child. The only way for her to do this is with a monogamous relationship. Conversely, we males produce enough sperm in one shot to theoretically impregnate every woman of childbearing age in the North America. It is by comparison "cheap." If one of the first four million sperm doesn't make it maybe the next four million will. Since we have this ability and we are not the ones that have to carry around a gestating fetus (singular), it is only natural that we would want to get as many females pregnant as possible in order to carry on our own genetic signature. Even if a guy gets a woman pregnant and screws.... I mean takes off, his genes remain present in the baby whether he sticks around or not. Long ago we didn't have last names so the only thing that needed to be carried on was genes. All we want to do is see to it that our genes are carried on. That's all. In summation. Women need to protect their investment in their genes present in their children. They know for sure that the child is theirs. Therefore they only need one male to provide spermatozoa and to support the needs of both mom and the little nipper. We males on the other hand, without the requirement to carry and nurture junior, yet never knowing for certain if it is ours, have the capacity to produce mega-bazillions of tiny baby makers. It is therefore in our nature to attempt to impregnate anything with breasts and a lack of facial hair to assure our genes will be carried on. Pregnancy is something I could never understand. Imagining another living thing inside me living off me puts it in the same category as ticks, mites, scabies and leeches. To me, being pregnant would be like having an enormous tapeworm. I think I have said enough on that subject. Part 4 What Purpose, Panties? I would like to discuss for a moment certain articles of clothing. More specifically, panties. Women's panties. What purpose do they actually serve? It is not like they provide support for anything. I get the idea that women don't want to wear panties since they don't like panty lines. I figured that they must be necessary for some reason. All right, they do provide something to stick a panty liner to but that's only once a month. Besides, they could use other products instead of stick on liners. They do cover the crotch while wearing a skirt. This is still not a necessity. Pantyhose has an opaque ventilated panel right where it counts. Also, women cross their legs while sitting in a skirt. You couldn't see anything if she was naked. That shoots down that theory. The best explanation that I can think of for the purpose of panties is to keep pubic hair from getting caught in the zipper of their jeans. Here's another thought. They make a great fart filter. Keep from getting shit on other clothing. Maybe they are coated in such a way to reduce odor. Of all the explanations I can think of it still doesn't explain the different styles. Briefs, hip huggers, bikinis, French cut, strings, crotchless (I don't have to explain that one) all in ones, etc. Women must think they must be ready for sex at all times. That's OK. We males want to have sex all the time. I just wish we could. I wish I could discover a function for my tie. Part 5 Female Masturbation There are three types of females- Those who don't or won't admit to masturbatingThose who admit to masturbatingThose who will masturbate for you It is possible for females to progress from one type to the next. In fact, I highly recommend it. I have found that many women will not admit to masturbating. Surveys have shown that fact. We will never know for certain how many do or don't. It is probable that fewer women masturbate than men. There are many theories to explain this. Among the most accepted is that a woman's sex organs are not in plain view to her. The idea is that she isn't as likely to fondle what she can't see. Here is another theory. Women are turned on primarily by touch. Men are initially turned on by sight. If you are not turned as much you are not as likely to try and satisfy yourself. Women take longer to get to the point where they say, "I just gotta get off." If you rarely reach that point you don't need to do anything about it. I think that women should set aside some time once in a while to masturbate. Find out what you like. Experiment with different techniques. Lie naked on your bed with some vegetables. Enjoy yourself. You'll cum like a wildcat. If you don't, keep trying. You will. Believe it or not, there is even a school in New York that teaches female masturbation. Upon graduation you receive your very own vibrator. I didn't make that up. Here is why I believe it is important that females masturbate. Let's take each group separately: I have found that females who don't or won't admit to masturbating are very passive in lovemaking. You may never even be able to tell if she has an orgasm. Hey, I want to know. Some of these women do not have any desire to touch a penis. To me, a female hand wrapped around my cock shaft is a wonderful start to foreplay. Please, touch it, fondle it, hold on to it, lick it, kiss it, don't ever let it go. The only thing most of these women will let you do is missionary style sex. I'm not knocking straight sex. It in itself is a wonderful thing. It takes a while to get them to warm up to a new idea. After sex you feel like watching Jay Leno. Now for women who admit to masturbating. They may not admit it at first but you can tell right away. They will latch on to your honker before you even get their brazziator off. They will ask for it the way they want it. They will tell you what they want you to do, with your tongue. You touch their thigh and their legs spread instinctively, like a Venus flytrap. They also seem to enjoy it more than the first group. After sex you want to have a cigarette, drink a glass of orange juice and play with her pussy till Ol' Roger is standing at attention again. As wonderful as the women who admit to masturbating are, there is nothing like a woman who will masturbate for you. It is an unbelievable experience when in the middle of a hot and heavy session, she says, "Wait, I want to do it myself for you. Watch." Then she rubs her clit while hanging on to your handle. What is even better is when she looks at you and says, "I want to watch you do it to yourself while I do it to myself." Then she points to her left breast and says, "And I want you to cum on me right here." It's enough to make me sport a woody just thinking about it. After a session like that you want to soak your balls in a bucket of ice. This is highly recommended. If you try this, lookout. You may cum in buckets. Shoot it on her tits, it'll soak in somewhere. Part 6 Gender Roles in Common Tableware Let's look at silverware. Knife, fork and spoon. What gender are these utensils? Everything has some sort of gender. We can define whether something is male or female depending upon the purpose and use of each object. The knife for example is without a doubt, male. How do we come to this conclusion? The Knife is used initially in a piercing or penetrating motion. This is obviously male. It is also used for cutting. This is an aggressive action. Aggression is a male attribute. Therefore, it must be a male utensil. At a thanksgiving meal who carves the turkey? The father of the family, the head of the household. The father of the family is a male. What does he use to carve the turkey? A knife. The knife is male. The fork is a little more difficult to define. It is used sometimes in a poking or jabbing motion. It is also used for scooping or shoveling. Poking or jabbing we said before is a male attribute. Scooping is a gentler form of handling food. Like a caress. That would be a more female attribute. The fork is also more curved than a knife. That would suggest femininity. Yet it has definite male roles. Let's get back to this one. The spoon. The spoon is the most curved of all common tableware. It is also the smoothest of anything used in the kitchen. It is almost a pleasure to touch and fondle it. It is used to cup and scoop food without harming it whatsoever. You cannot use a spoon to cut or poke food. It simply will not work that way. It is all female. It cannot be described in any way male. All the things I have mentioned about the spoon is a feminine attribute. We still have not found out whether the fork is male or female. We can do it this way. The knife is all male. The fork is more female than the knife. The spoon is more female than the fork. The fork is more male than the spoon. I guess you could say that the fork is, in a matter of speaking, bi-sexual. I can't believe I just wrote that as seriously as I did.