ØWPCï ¿_þÞ€Ðí}Ø~ÒÃ"57•díiåJÍWk­Q—&-Ûp£^³ŸÖÒãg…‹8^±+¡P(žßXp }Û®ë¼ ¢¹èÂlµY£µ‚g ŽJS$†Oz"ê–{ù~…f¥åâé^ o㱆F¹ Èºs¾ð[bõÒÙîy‘}äÉ?v‰”*7üO—ðzòs_:[ݬ ºO9;a?6éûùÕ (‰N™€HV |&-¬†Ò’Z[BV§‹!ÔàW%É ”-”õ8wЯZ~×EÁù(Ò– È„ÿØ„+š¢”»GÖ-ÕDó°¹¹Xô®A»æϬÖÏß—ÎÍÝ=hú^®žÐ8×÷O)Qï“Ÿ×M,rjTOZ¯J<Å#Ý ñC¡%ïƒ"ÄSCCn¸ŠýmOðXÉŸïè…–QmF­Ðy­<ût;×ÉþÚù6R?ÈJ ëó‹xØ9ˆÝçò&>(È«v<,I‚¸4Æ° )fkM7ž–™ÚŽ±„ŠÅ" ÄææVJÂ.|vŽYE#1㨷¢o ¥{WÝ·{à\‚ ýÐcðT!‘ –,P8Ê¿›’q"KfQ$mi;œökÕ7ŒU¬êˆ&€M» åz"‹@3TIøsìATU.d %â 0(ù4Ë#|x <ï6X9`+CourierX($ÁÁè[’ï™` Ø  °!     From:¥sbatten@icg.stwing.upenn.edu¥(S¥Batten)íNewsgroups:¥alt.sex.spankingíSubject:¥Fiction:¥¥She¥Never¥Counts¥¥(F/f,¥nc,¥teen)íDate:¥28¥Aug¥1995¥23:36:42¥GMTíOrganization:¥UPenn¥does¥not¥necessarily¥agree¥with¥me¥or¥evenìknow¥I¥existíMessage-ID:¥<41tjua$rsu@netnews.upenn.edu>íí[with¥apologies¥to¥L.¥Sexton]íí––íí––I¥breeze¥through¥the¥door¥a¥half¥hour¥past¥curfew,¥surprised¥toìfind¥––íí––her¥still¥home.¥¥That¥afternoon,¥when¥she¥had¥told¥me¥Iìcould¥use¥her¥––íí––car,¥she¥had¥said¥Jimmy¥was¥going¥to¥pick¥her¥upìfor¥their¥usual¥––íí––Friday¥night¥on¥the¥town¥--¥dinner,¥a¥movie,ìdrinks,¥dancing,¥more¥– –íí– –drinks,¥then¥they'd¥go¥to¥someone's¥houseìfor¥a¥while¥and¥make¥out¥or¥whatever¥it¥is¥that––ìthirty-four-year-olds¥do.¥¥Whatever¥it¥was,¥it¥was¥––íí––sure¥to¥keepìher¥out¥past¥midnight,¥and¥sometimes¥all¥night¥long.¥¥Soí––í––I¥didn't¥figure¥I¥was¥risking¥much¥by¥coming¥in¥at¥11:30.í––íí––íBusted.¥¥Oh,¥well¥--¥she'll¥probably¥give¥me¥a¥dressing¥down¥andìthen¥––Ü h Üí––never¥let¥me¥forget¥about¥it.¥¥My¥sister¥has¥always¥been¥soìanal.¥––í––Half¥an¥hour¥late,¥and¥suddenly¥I'm¥not¥trustworthy.¥¥To¥beìhonest,––¥––though,¥I¥don't¥think¥she's¥trusted¥me¥since¥I¥moved¥inìnine¥years¥––íí––ago.¥¥From¥that¥day¥on,¥she¥ceased¥to¥be¥my¥sweet¥bigìsister¥and¥––íí––turned¥into¥an¥uptight¥surrogate¥mother.¥¥Or¥surrogateìfather¥is¥more¥––íí––like¥it,¥grimly¥doling¥out¥judgments,¥scoldingsìand¥punishments¥as¥if¥–!–íí–!–it¥were¥her¥Solemn¥Duty¥to¥Bring¥the¥GirlìUp¥Right.¥¥It's¥as¥if¥when¥–#–íí–#–our¥parents¥died¥a¥little¥bit¥of¥herìdied,¥too,¥and¥she¥tried¥to¥¥–%–Ü X¬ Üí–%–replace¥it¥with¥alcohol¥and¥toughìlove.¥¥She¥was¥twenty-five¥at¥the¥–'–íí–'–time,¥so¥I¥can¥understand¥ifìshe¥felt¥like¥the¥world¥as¥she¥knew¥it¥–)–íí–)–had¥been¥turned¥on¥itsìhead.¥¥–.–íí–.–I¥was¥seven,¥and¥you'd¥think¥it'd¥be¥harder¥on¥a¥seven-year-old,ìbut¥it¥wasn't.¥¥I¥got¥over¥it¥pretty¥quickly¥--¥I¥mean,¥whenìyou're¥seven,¥what¥else¥can¥you¥do?¥¥Your¥life¥–0–Ü Ü $ Üí–0–is¥pretty¥muchìtaken¥care¥of.¥¥I¥went¥from¥my¥parents'¥house¥to¥my¥–2–Ü ù!% Üí–2–sister'sìcondo,¥but¥other¥than¥that,¥things¥were¥pretty¥much¥the¥same.¥Ü `"¡& ÜíDeep¥down¥under¥that¥uptight¥grown-up's¥facade,¥I¥know¥she¥lovesìme¥as¥–4–íí–4–much¥as¥Mom¥and¥Dad¥did.¥¥Maybe¥more,¥even,¥because¥sheìnever¥married,¥–6–íí–6–and¥Jimmy¥is¥kind¥of¥a¥jerk.¥¥I¥think¥she¥needs¥meìbecause¥I'm¥the¥–8–íí–8–only¥person¥in¥the¥world¥who¥needs¥her.íí–9–íí–9–She's¥drinking¥gin¥when¥I¥come¥in.¥¥Almost¥all¥the¥lights¥areìout.¥¥I¥–;–Ü Ê(Ý#. Üí–;–know¥she's¥upset¥with¥me¥for¥breaking¥curfew¥because¥sheìsays¥nothing¥–=–íí–=–when¥I¥walk¥into¥the¥gloomy¥room¥where¥she'sìdrinking.¥¥I¥say¥"hi"¥as¥–?–Ü 0*¥%0 Üí–?–if¥there's¥nothing¥wrong,¥drop¥the¥spareìcar¥key¥back¥in¥her¥purse,¥–A–Ü ¿*H&1 Üí–A–and¥back¥out¥of¥there¥before¥theìlecture.¥¥I¥am¥surprised¥when¥I¥make¥–C–íí–C–it¥all¥the¥way¥to¥myìbedroom.¥¥Sometimes,¥when¥she's¥drunk,¥she¥–E–íí–E–forgets¥to¥yell¥at¥me.¥ìOr¥she¥starts¥to¥lecture¥me¥and¥forgets¥why¥–G–Ü P-Ê(4 Üí–G–she's¥angry.¥¥I¥haveìescaped¥tonight,¥but¥I¥know¥she'll¥yell¥at¥me¥–I–Ü .h)5 ÜÜ .h)5 Ü–I–tomorrow.¥¥She¥hasÜ .h)5 Üa¥keen¥memory¥for¥broken¥rules.¥¥God,¥I¥hope¥I'm¥–K–Ü ¡ Üí–K–not¥like¥herìwhen¥I'm¥grown¥up.Ü xé Ü–L–í–L–í–M–í–M–¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥*¥¥¥*¥¥¥*í–N–ííí–N–She¥mopes¥upstairs¥and¥goes¥into¥her¥bedroom,¥but¥doesn't¥closeìthe¥–P–Ü ù Üí–P–door.¥¥I¥am¥in¥the¥hallway¥looking¥into¥her¥room,¥starting¥toìwonder¥–R–íí–R–why¥she's¥been¥drinking,¥why¥she's¥home¥so¥early,¥andìwhere¥Jimmy¥is.¥–T–Ü ( x Ü–T–She¥unzips¥her¥dress¥and¥starts¥to¥pull¥off¥theìtop¥part¥when¥she¥–V–íí–V–catches¥me¥staring¥at¥her.¥¥She¥tells¥me¥toìcome¥into¥her¥room¥--¥–Y–í–Y–orders¥me,¥actually,¥putting¥on¥the¥sternìparent's¥face.¥¥With¥the¥top¥–[–íí–[–of¥her¥dress¥hanging¥off¥of¥herìfront¥and¥her¥alcohol-slurred¥speech,¥–]–Ü H ù  Üí–]–she¥looks¥ridiculous.¥¥ButìI¥can¥see¥as¥I¥come¥into¥the¥room¥that¥it's¥–_–íí–_–no¥laughing¥matter.¥ìShe's¥pissed¥at¥me.¥¥She's¥about¥to¥give¥me¥the¥how-can-I–b–ì–b–-trust-you-if-you-break-curfew¥lecture,¥another¥in¥the¥how-í–c–í–c–can-I-trust-you-if¥lecture¥series.íí–d–íí–d–But¥instead,¥she¥starts¥talking¥about¥her¥car.¥¥Who¥gave¥meìpermission¥–f–íí–f–to¥use¥her¥car¥tonight?¥¥You¥did,¥Sis.¥¥No,¥she¥says,ìshe¥most¥–h–íí–h–certainly¥did¥_not_¥say¥I¥could¥borrow¥her¥car.¥¥But¥no,ìyou've¥–j–íí–j–forgotten:¥¥you¥said¥I¥could¥use¥it¥because¥Jimmy¥wasìpicking¥you¥up¥–l–Ü h Üí–l–tonight.¥¥She¥winces¥and¥tells¥me¥not¥to¥say¥_thatìname_.¥¥And¥not¥to¥–n–íí–n–lie,¥either.¥¥I¥should¥be¥ashamed,¥she¥says,ìtaking¥her¥car¥and¥then¥–p–íí–p–trying¥to¥cover¥up¥about¥it.¥¥Her¥chestìis¥heaving¥in¥righteous¥anger.¥Ü pË ÜíShe¥is¥working¥herself¥up¥for¥a¥ritual¥scolding,¥but¥instead¥saysìthe¥–r–íí–r–words¥that¥make¥my¥knees¥go¥weak:¥¥"You've¥behaved¥like¥aìspoiled¥–t–Ü Æˆ Üí–t–little¥girl."íí–u–íí–u–She's¥such¥a¥bitch.¥¥I¥hate¥it¥when¥she¥gets¥this¥way.¥¥It¥alwaysí–v–í–v–happens¥when¥she¥drinks¥too¥much.¥¥It's¥as¥if¥she's¥willedìherself¥to¥–x–Ü ¡  Üí–x–lose¥control.¥¥She¥gets¥drunk,¥and¥then¥gets¥mean.¥ìShe¥forgets¥things¥–z–íí–z–and¥makes¥up¥stories¥to¥explain¥what¥she¥can'tìremember.¥¥It's¥no¥–|–Ü @Æ" Üí–|–wonder¥Jimmy¥stood¥her¥up¥tonight,¥or¥had¥aìfight¥with¥her,¥or¥–~–Ü  X# Üí–~–whatever¥--¥my¥sister¥can¥turn¥into¥a¥monsterìsometimes.¥¥And¥she¥is¥–¥–íí–¥–about¥to¥do¥so¥now:¥¥her¥smug¥"spoiledìlittle¥girl"¥pronouncement¥is¥a¥–­–Ü ù!% Üí–­–signal¥that¥she¥is¥going¥to¥giveìme¥the¥"punishment"¥I¥"deserve."Ü `"¡& Üí–°–íí–°–"You've¥behaved¥like¥a¥spoiled¥little¥girl,¥and¥now¥I'm¥going¥toí–³–í–³–punish¥you¥like¥one."¥¥She¥hasn't¥said¥exactly¥what¥that¥is,¥butìwe¥–º–Ü ¥%Ü * Üí–º–both¥know¥what¥she's¥talking¥about.¥¥She¥goes¥on¥with¥herìrant,¥–ÖÜ H&ù!+ Üí–Öcomparing¥my¥actions¥to¥car¥theft,¥asking¥how¥she¥can¥trustìme¥if¥I¥–É–íí–É–deliberately¥deceive¥her¥and¥then¥make¥up¥a¥lie¥toìexplain¥it.¥¥But¥I¥–Ô–íí–Ô–don't¥hear¥her.¥¥I¥am¥standing¥in¥her¥bedroom,ìin¥her¥house,¥as¥–¶–í–¶–stunned¥as¥if¥I¥had¥just¥been¥punched¥in¥theìtemple.¥¥My¥stomach¥is¥–ΖÜ h)ü$/ Üí–Ζslowly¥turning¥over,¥and¥her¥angry¥face¥isìcoming¥in¥and¥out¥of¥focus.¥ííShe¥means¥to¥teach¥me¥a¥well-deserved¥lesson.¥¥She¥is¥going¥toìshow¥me¥–ã–íí–ã–that¥there¥are¥limits¥to¥the¥behavior¥that¥she¥willìtolerate.¥¥She¥is¥–ð–íí–ð–through¥putting¥up¥with¥my¥childishness,¥andìshe¥means¥to¥get¥through¥–÷–Ü .h)5 ÜÜ .h)5 Ü–÷–to¥me¥by¥treating¥me¥like¥a¥child.¥¥IÜ .h)5 Ücan't¥believe¥I'm¥hearing¥this.¥¥–ú–íí–ú–I¥am¥sixteen¥years¥old,¥but¥I¥amìgetting¥the¥same¥preparatory¥speech¥–ý–Ü xé Üí–ý–she¥gave¥when¥I¥was¥six¥nineìtwelve¥fifteen.¥¥I've¥heard¥it¥dozens¥–ÿ–íí–ÿ–of¥times¥before,¥but¥theìpunchline¥is¥no¥less¥shocking¥now:¥¥"You've¥–Ä–Ü X Üí–Ä–been¥a¥bad,¥bad¥girl.¥ìYou¥may¥think¥you've¥grown¥up,¥but¥you¥haven't.¥¥–Á–Ü Ü  Üí–Á–This¥just¥provesìit.¥¥You're¥still¥a¥child,¥and¥you're¥going¥to¥get¥a¥–£–Ü ù Üí–£–child'sìpunishment.¥¥Come¥over¥here.¥¥I'm¥going¥to¥give¥you¥theÜ ` ¡ Ü–Û–í–Û–spanking¥you¥deserve."íí–´–íí–´–She¥says¥the¥word¥as¥if¥it¥is¥a¥triumph,¥a¥new¥innovation¥iní–Ï–í–Ï–childraising.¥¥She¥tells¥me¥not¥to¥argue¥with¥her,¥that¥no¥girlìwho–¬–¥–¬–behaves¥like¥me¥is¥too¥old¥to¥be¥spanked.¥¥But¥I¥am¥notìarguing.¥¥I¥am¥–»–íí–»–speechless.¥¥Besides,¥arguing¥with¥her¥would¥beìpointless¥now.¥¥She's¥––íí––made¥up¥her¥mind¥to¥do¥the¥deed,¥and¥won'tìbe¥talked¥out¥of¥it¥no¥–¨–Ü ÊÝ  Üí–¨–matter¥what¥I¥say¥or¥do.¥¥I¥learned¥that¥aìyear¥ago,¥the¥last¥time¥she¥–¡–íí–¡–beat¥me:¥¥when¥I¥was¥fifteen,¥I¥toldìher¥once¥and¥for¥all¥that¥I¥was¥–Ó–íí–Ó–too¥old¥for¥this.¥¥I¥had¥arguedìwith¥her¥about¥it¥before¥--¥it¥was¥–«–íí–«–inappropriate¥for¥me¥when¥Iìwas¥ten,¥for¥God's¥sake¥--¥but¥at¥fifteen¥–¦–íí–¦–I¥realized¥that¥thereìwas¥something¥terribly¥wrong¥that¥she¥was¥still¥–ü–Ü Ã¯ Üí–ü–spanking¥me.¥¥Iìtold¥her,¥but¥she¥wouldn't¥listen.¥¥I¥even¥fought¥with¥–¼–íí–¼–her,¥butìat¥that¥age¥the¥difference¥in¥strength¥was¥still¥too¥great,Ü h Ü–È–í–È–and¥she¥overpowered¥me.¥¥For¥my¥troubles¥she¥made¥the¥thrashingìan¥–¸–íí–¸–unforgettable¥one.¥¥And¥I¥had¥hoped¥it¥would¥be¥my¥last.íí–²–íí–²–Tonight¥I¥suppose¥I¥could¥overpower¥her,¥or¥at¥least¥outrun¥her,ìbut¥I¥–Ë–íí–Ë–won't.¥¥For¥one¥thing,¥what¥would¥I¥do¥if¥I¥got¥away?¥¥I'mìliving¥here¥–å–íí–å–under¥her¥good¥graces,¥and¥I¥suppose¥she¥could¥kickìme¥out¥if¥I¥–€–Ü Æˆ Üí–€–couldn't¥live¥by¥her¥system¥of¥discipline.¥¥Forìanother,¥it¥would¥make¥–®–Ü X¬ Üí–®–her¥the¥real¥winner,¥humiliating¥me¥intoìlashing¥out¥or¥taking¥flight.¥–ë–íí–ë–It¥would¥vindicate¥her¥claim¥that¥Iìam¥a¥bad¥girl.¥¥I¥am¥disgusted¥that¥this¥is¥happening¥to¥me,¥butìI¥will¥not¥play¥the¥coward.ííShe's¥still¥involved¥in¥her¥one-way¥argument,¥telling¥me¥that¥I'mìnot¥too¥old¥and¥that¥this¥is¥what¥I¥should¥expect¥for–ì–ìmisbehaving.¥¥But¥I¥–ñ–íí–ñ–am¥not¥talking¥back.¥¥I'm¥just¥staring¥atìher.¥¥My¥face¥does¥not¥show¥–ï–Ü ù!% Üí–ï–fear,¥nor¥contrition¥or¥shame.¥¥I¥amìnot¥even¥angry.¥¥Just¥bewildered.¥ííI¥am¥a¥sixteen-year-old¥girl¥who¥is¥about¥to¥be¥spanked¥forìsomething¥–…–íí–…–she¥didn't¥do,¥by¥her¥drunken,¥lovelorn¥sister.í–ô–í–ô–My¥insides¥have¥grown¥cold.¥¥My¥stomach¥has¥settled¥and¥myìthighs,¥–ó–íí–ó–which¥were¥wobbling¥involuntarily¥a¥minute¥ago,¥areìsolid.¥¥She¥is¥– –íí– –casting¥about¥for¥something¥to¥hit¥me¥with,¥andìfinally¥seizes¥on¥her¥–§–íí–§–wide-backed¥wooden¥hairbrush.¥¥She¥plopsìherself¥down¥on¥the¥edge¥of¥–‡–íí–‡–her¥bed,¥her¥satiny¥dress¥top¥stillìhanging¥before¥her¥like¥an¥apron.¥ííI¥don't¥think¥she¥knows¥how¥silly¥she¥looks.¥¥For¥my¥part,¥I¥amí–‰–í–‰–receding¥into¥my¥own¥world.¥¥I¥will¥not¥resist,¥but¥I¥will¥notí–‹–í–‹–cooperate,¥either.¥¥In¥my¥submission¥I¥will¥show¥myself¥to¥be¥theí–Š–í–Š–superior¥one.¥¥The¥only¥way¥she¥can¥win¥is¥if¥she¥makes¥me¥fightìback,¥–¾–Ü .h)5 ÜÜ .h)5 Ü–¾–or¥by¥breaking¥my¥spirit.¥¥I¥won't¥let¥it¥hurt,¥because¥IÜ .h)5 Üwon't¥let¥––íí––love¥come¥through.íí–Ž–íí–Ž–¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥*¥¥¥*¥¥¥*í––ííí––She¥glares¥at¥me¥from¥the¥edge¥of¥her¥bed.¥¥She¥is¥stillìbreathing¥–“–íí–“–heavily,¥as¥if¥the¥speech¥she¥just¥gave¥has¥only¥stokedìher¥passions,¥–”–íí–”–rather¥than¥releasing¥them.¥¥I¥can¥smell¥the¥gin¥onìher¥breath.¥¥She¥–Ý–íí–Ý–grips¥her¥hairbrush¥menacingly¥and¥tells¥me¥toìcome¥by¥her.¥¥I¥shuffle¥–˜–íí–˜–across¥the¥bedroom,¥meeting¥her¥glareìwith¥an¥indifferent¥gaze.¥¥Her¥–™–íí–™–breasts,¥thinly¥protected¥by¥herìexposed¥undergarments,¥continue¥to¥–š–íí–š–heave¥in¥anger,¥and¥I¥thinkìfrom¥looking¥at¥her¥that¥she¥wishes¥I¥were¥–¿–íí–¿–terrified,¥like¥when¥Iìwas¥younger.¥¥She¥wants¥me¥to¥argue,¥to¥flail¥–œ–íí–œ–out¥like¥I¥did¥lastìyear,¥to¥justify¥her¥fury.¥¥But¥I¥will¥not¥play¥–Ÿ–íí–Ÿ–her¥game.¥¥Thoughìshe¥holds¥the¥weapon,¥she¥is¥the¥child¥here.¥¥If¥she¥–ß–íí–ß–were¥myìchild,¥I¥would¥not¥beat¥her.¥¥I¥would¥show¥her¥the¥love¥thatí–Ø–í–Ø–she¥craves¥from¥me,¥from¥Jimmy,¥and¥from¥the¥world.¥¥But¥she¥isìnot¥my¥––íí––child.¥¥And¥I¥don't¥love¥her.íí––íí––When¥she¥realizes¥that¥I¥intend¥to¥submit¥quietly,¥she¥reachesìout¥and¥––íí––grabs¥my¥wrist,¥using¥it¥to¥pull¥me¥clumsily¥across¥herìknees.¥¥I¥am¥––íí––not¥helpful¥with¥this.¥¥It¥takes¥her¥several¥triesìto¥arrange¥me¥––íí––properly,¥during¥which¥she¥grunts¥and¥hissesìbitterly.¥¥I¥resolve¥to¥– –íí– –lie¥there¥like¥a¥rag¥doll,¥since¥sheìrefuses¥to¥treat¥me¥like¥a¥human¥– –íí– –being.¥¥My¥face¥is¥partiallyìhidden¥by¥the¥fanned¥pleats¥of¥her¥lush¥––Ü pË Üí––dress.¥¥My¥legs¥stretchìout¥behind¥me¥like¥dead¥logs.¥¥I¥can¥smell¥her¥––íí––perfume,¥a¥sweet,ìvaguely¥comforting¥odor.íí––íí––¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥*¥¥¥*¥¥¥*í––ííí––With¥my¥upturned¥bottom¥finally¥in¥her¥lap,¥she¥reaches¥down¥anìgrabs¥––íí––a¥handful¥of¥my¥cotton¥skirt.¥¥Jerking¥it¥up¥roughly,¥sheìmanages¥to¥––íí––hike¥it¥over¥my¥waist¥while¥I¥lie¥still.¥¥My¥stomachìturns¥over¥again¥––íí––as¥the¥cool¥air¥caresses¥my¥thighs.¥¥It¥is¥theìmost¥demeaning¥and¥––íí––disappointing¥moment¥of¥the¥punishment:¥¥she'sìgoing¥to¥lay¥me¥bare.¥Ü @Æ" ÜíI¥always¥hope¥to¥myself¥that¥she'll¥forget¥this¥step¥--¥sheìforgets¥so¥––Ü ù!% Üí––many¥other¥things¥--¥but¥she¥always¥remembers.¥ìSpankings¥at¥eight,¥at¥––íí––ten,¥at¥thirteen,¥last¥year¥--¥allìincluded¥this¥undignified¥and¥– –íí– –unnecessary¥action.¥¥It¥made¥noìdifference¥to¥her¥when¥hair¥started¥to¥–"–íí–"–appear¥between¥my¥legs;ìshe¥went¥on¥about¥her¥grim¥business¥as¥if¥I¥–$–íí–$–were¥still¥a¥naughtyìseven-year-old.íí–%–íí–%–Besides,¥with¥the¥thin¥skirts¥I¥wear¥during¥the¥summer,¥my¥bottomìis¥–'–íí–'–as¥good¥as¥exposed¥anyway¥when¥it¥comes¥to¥spanking.¥¥Or,¥atìthe¥very¥–)–íí–)–least,¥she¥could¥leave¥my¥flimsy¥panties¥up,¥and¥save¥meìthe¥–+–íí–+–embarrassment.¥¥But¥no,¥she¥will¥see¥me¥naked¥tonight,¥justìas¥she¥–-–íí–-–always¥has¥in¥the¥past.¥¥The¥yanking¥up¥of¥my¥skirt¥andìthe¥sickening¥–/–íí–/–surprise¥of¥the¥cool¥air¥tells¥me¥to¥prepare¥forìthe¥worst.íí–0–íí–0–Since¥I¥am¥not¥showing¥the¥least¥resistance,¥she¥takes¥her¥timeìto¥get¥–2–Ü .h)5 ÜÜ .h)5 Ü–2–me¥ready.¥¥She¥grabs¥one¥wrist¥and¥carefully¥pins¥my¥armÜ .h)5 Übehind¥my¥–4–íí–4–back.¥¥We¥both¥know¥this¥is¥unnecessary¥--¥my¥positionìon¥her¥thighs¥–6–íí–6–is¥so¥precarious¥that¥I¥could¥easily¥push¥off,ìwhether¥or¥not¥she's¥–8–íí–8–pinned¥one¥arm.¥¥Ever¥since¥I¥was¥ten¥theseìover-the-knee¥punishments¥–:–íí–:–have¥been¥a¥matter¥of¥my¥voluntaryìsubmission,¥anyway.¥¥Except¥for¥–<–íí–<–last¥year,¥it¥has¥always¥been¥aìpoint¥of¥pride¥for¥me¥(and¥her,¥too,¥I¥–>–íí–>–wonder)¥to¥bear¥theìspanking¥bravely.íí–?–íí–?–Finally,¥with¥her¥right¥hand¥she¥thrusts¥a¥thumb¥into¥the¥cleftìbetween¥–A–íí–A–my¥cheeks¥and¥peels¥down¥my¥panties.¥¥I¥am¥disgusted,¥butìtry¥not¥to¥–C–íí–C–shudder.¥¥She¥has¥to¥reach¥under¥my¥belly¥briefly¥toìpull¥the¥front¥–E–íí–E–part¥of¥the¥panties¥to¥my¥thighs,¥and¥then¥sheìreturns¥to¥the¥back¥–G–íí–G–side¥to¥carefully¥expose¥the¥entire¥rear¥end.¥ìI¥exhale¥suddenly¥--¥I¥–I–íí–I–realize¥I've¥been¥holding¥my¥breathìwaiting¥for¥this¥to¥happen.Ü ÊÝ  Üí–J–íí–J–¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥*¥¥¥*¥¥¥*í–K–ííí–K–Other¥than¥a¥few¥grunts¥of¥exertion,¥she¥has¥been¥notably¥quietìduring¥–M–íí–M–the¥arrangements.¥¥Lying¥there¥horsed¥over¥her¥knee,¥Iìwon't¥give¥her¥–O–íí–O–the¥satisfaction¥of¥showing¥any¥apprehension¥forìwhat¥is¥about¥to¥–Q–Ü PÊ Üí–Q–happen.¥¥She¥will¥beat¥me,¥but¥she¥won't¥breakìme.¥¥I¥won't¥let¥her.¥¥–S–Ü h Üí–S–I¥won't¥let¥it¥hurt.íí–T–íí–T–She¥sighs.¥¥I¥feel¥the¥wooden¥back¥of¥the¥hairbrush¥resting¥aìmoment¥–V–íí–V–on¥one¥cheek.¥¥Then¥she¥inhales¥loudly¥and¥the¥hairbrushìis¥gone.¥¥I¥–X–íí–X–feel¥her¥weight¥shift,¥and¥I¥know¥that¥she¥has¥liftedìher¥arm¥up,¥–Z–íí–Z–ready¥to¥begin¥smacking¥me.¥¥I¥squeeze¥my¥eyes¥shutìeven¥tighter,¥my¥–\–íí–\–one¥concession¥to¥fear.¥¥And¥I¥wait.íí–]–íí–]–Nothing¥happens.¥¥I¥hear¥her¥sniffle.¥¥I¥am¥still¥waiting.¥¥A¥fewí–^–í–^–seconds¥later¥I¥open¥my¥eyes¥and¥look¥back¥at¥her.¥¥She¥isìlooking¥–`–íí–`–down¥at¥my¥rear¥end,¥holding¥her¥hairbrush¥high¥above¥herìhead.¥¥There¥–b–íí–b–are¥tears¥on¥her¥cheeks,¥and¥she¥looks¥as¥if¥sheìcan't¥figure¥out¥how¥–d–íí–d–she¥got¥here¥and¥doesn't¥know¥what¥to¥doìnext.¥¥I¥wait¥quietly,¥hoping¥–f–Ü @Æ" Üí–f–she'll¥come¥to¥her¥senses¥and¥letìme¥go.¥¥Or,¥failing¥that,¥I¥hope¥–h–Ü  X# Üí–h–she'll¥forget¥I'm¥here.íí–i–íí–i–I¥wonder¥how¥long¥she's¥been¥crying.¥¥All¥night?¥¥Since¥sheìstarted¥–k–Ü `"¡& Üí–k–lecturing¥me?¥¥Or¥did¥she¥start¥just¥now?¥¥Her¥arm¥isìstarting¥to¥sway¥–m–íí–m–over¥her¥head¥--¥she¥can't¥hold¥it¥up¥muchìlonger.¥¥Finally,¥she¥–o–Ü Ý#@( Üí–o–speaks:¥¥"I¥spank¥you.¥.¥."¥and¥her¥voiceìcatches¥in¥her¥throat.¥¥I¥–q–Ü ü$ ) Üí–q–know¥what¥she's¥going¥to¥say.¥¥Spareìme,¥Sis.¥¥"I¥spank¥you.¥.¥.¥–s–Ü ¥%Ü * Üí–s–because¥I¥love¥you."¥¥And¥then¥sheìbrings¥her¥hand¥down.¥¥I¥try¥to¥–u–Ü H&ù!+ Üí–u–close¥my¥eyes¥and¥block¥it¥out,ìbut¥I¥still¥catch¥part¥of¥the¥–w–íí–w–terrifying¥blur.í–x–íí–x–í¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥*¥¥¥*¥¥¥*í–y–ííí–y–The¥wide-backed¥brush¥makes¥a¥surprisingly¥loud¥sound¥when¥itìcrashes¥–{–íí–{–onto¥my¥bottom.¥¥Until¥I¥was¥twelve¥or¥so,¥my¥sisterìalways¥used¥her¥–}–íí–}–open¥hand¥to¥spank¥me.¥¥This¥was¥never¥pleasantì--¥one¥smack¥was¥––íí––enough¥to¥leave¥a¥neat¥red¥palm¥print¥with¥fourìstreaks¥from¥the¥–ª–íí–ª–fingers.¥¥But¥at¥least¥it¥was¥predictable.¥¥Atìleast¥I¥knew¥how¥much¥–°–íí–°–it¥would¥hurt.íÜ .h)5 ܽ–³–í–³–More¥recently,¥though,¥she¥has¥taken¥to¥grabbing¥whateverìinstrument¥–º–íí–º–is¥handy¥and¥flailing¥me¥with¥it.¥¥Usually¥it¥was¥herìshoe,¥a¥pump¥–Öíí–Öwith¥a¥soft¥leather¥sole.¥¥This¥hurt¥not¥as¥much¥asìher¥hand,¥but¥she¥–É–íí–É–could¥give¥me¥more¥strokes¥because¥it¥didn'tìtake¥as¥much¥out¥of¥her.¥–Ñ–Ü Ü  Üí–Ñ–Last¥year's¥fiasco¥was¥with¥a¥woodenìspoon.Ü ù Üí–Ô–íí–Ô–When¥she¥spanks¥me¥with¥the¥hairbrush,¥the¥sting¥is¥worse¥than¥Ií–Ù–í–Ù–expected,¥and¥it¥doesn't¥go¥away¥in¥time¥for¥the¥next¥blow¥toìfall.¥¥–¶–Ü ü   Üí–¶–She¥is¥vicious;¥she¥is¥cruel;¥she¥is¥trying¥to¥hurt¥me¥butìI¥will¥not¥–Ζíí–Ζlet¥her¥hear¥me¥cry.¥¥I¥squeeze¥my¥eyes¥shut¥to¥holdìback¥the¥tears,¥–ã–íí–ã–but¥they¥come¥anyway.¥¥My¥face¥is¥wet,¥but¥I¥amìsilent,¥gritting¥my¥–ð–íí–ð–teeth.¥¥She¥will¥not¥hear¥me.íí–ö–íí–ö–¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥*¥¥¥*¥¥¥*í–÷–ííí–÷–She¥never¥counts.¥¥She¥just¥hits¥until¥she¥is¥no¥longer¥angry.¥ìAfter¥–ú–íí–ú–ten,¥I¥can¥no¥longer¥lie¥still,¥and¥I¥am¥sucking¥in¥airìafter¥at¥each¥–ý–íí–ý–slap.¥¥At¥fifteen¥I¥break¥the¥silence.¥¥She¥has¥meìgrunting.¥¥Then¥–ÿ–íí–ÿ–crying¥out¥loud,¥jerking¥my¥legs¥high¥into¥theìair,¥flailing¥my¥hair,¥–Ä–íí–Ä–nearly¥lifting¥my¥whole¥midsection¥off¥herìthighs.¥¥I¥tell¥myself¥over¥–Á–íí–Á–and¥over¥again:¥¥It¥doesn't¥reallyìhurt¥because¥I¥don't¥love¥her.¥¥It¥–£–Ü h Üí–£–doesn't¥hurt.¥¥Because¥I¥don'tìlove¥her.¥¥Doesn't¥hurt.¥¥Don't¥love¥–´–Ü ˆ0 Üí–´–her.¥¥Hurt.¥¥Love.¥¥Her.í–¤–íí–¤–¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥*¥¥¥*¥¥¥*í–¬–ííí–¬–At¥what¥must¥be¥around¥twenty-five,¥she¥stops,¥lets¥go¥of¥myìwrist.¥–©–íí–©–She¥rests.¥¥I¥rest.¥¥It¥is¥not¥over¥yet,¥I¥know.¥¥I¥haveìlong¥since¥–Ç–íí–Ç–learned¥to¥gauge¥the¥breathing¥of¥my¥sister,¥the¥hissìof¥her¥voice,¥–Жíí–Жand¥I¥know¥that¥she¥is¥still¥angry.¥¥She¥wants¥toìkeep¥beating¥me¥but¥–ø–íí–ø–needs¥a¥minute¥to¥catch¥her¥breath.¥¥I¥amìsilently¥crying¥into¥the¥–±–íí–±–folds¥of¥her¥dress.¥¥I¥smell¥her¥perfumeìagain,¥and¥also¥the¥gin.¥¥But¥–Ò–íí–Ò–a¥faint¥musty¥scent¥starts¥to¥takeìhold:¥¥our¥sweat.íí–«–íí–«–She¥is¥still¥angry,¥but¥she¥isn't¥really¥paying¥attention¥to¥me.¥ìShe¥–¦–Ü @Æ" Üí–¦–is¥absently¥playing¥with¥my¥hair¥with¥one¥hand,¥while¥restingìthe¥–ü–íí–ü–other¥on¥my¥bottom.¥¥She¥wants¥to¥toy¥with¥me.¥¥She¥wants¥toìshame¥me.¥¥–¼–íí–¼–She¥says¥my¥bottom¥is¥bright¥pink.¥¥She¥says¥it'sìburning¥to¥the¥–¹–Ü ù!% Üí–¹–touch.¥¥She¥says¥I¥should¥be¥sorry¥for¥what¥I'veìdone.¥¥Am¥I?¥she¥–²–Ü `"¡& Üí–²–asks.¥¥Am¥I¥sorry¥for¥what¥I've¥done?¥¥I¥sayìnothing.¥¥I'm¥not¥sorry.Ü (#x' Üí–À–íí¥–À–¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥¥*¥¥¥*¥¥¥*í–Ë–ííí–Ë–She¥needs¥to¥hear¥me¥say¥something.¥¥She¥grabs¥my¥wrist¥again¥andí–ç–í–ç–lifts¥her¥hairbrush¥high¥into¥the¥air.¥¥I¥close¥my¥eyes.¥¥"Areìyou¥–Ì–Ü '`", Üí–Ì–sorry,¥you¥bad¥girl?"¥¥She¥wants¥me¥to¥say¥I'm¥sorry,¥but¥Iìam¥not¥––íí––sorry.¥¥I¥am¥silent.¥¥I¥am¥not¥sorry¥because¥I¥didn't¥doìanything¥–‚–Ü Ê(Ý#. Üí–‚–wrong.¥¥I¥am¥not¥a¥bad¥girl.íí–é–íí–é–She¥starts¥spanking¥me¥again,¥with¥furious,¥mighty¥blows¥thatìsurprise¥–æ–íí–æ–me¥afresh.¥¥But¥I¥will¥not¥apologize.¥¥I¥will¥cry¥out¥inìagony¥and¥–í–íí–í–shed¥more¥tears¥for¥my¥tender¥bottom,¥but¥I¥will¥notìsay¥I'm¥sorry.¥¥I¥–ë–íí–ë–am¥the¥one¥in¥control,¥not¥she.¥¥Though¥myìstubbornness¥is¥costing¥me,¥it¥is¥she¥who¥is¥reduced¥to¥pleading.¥ì–Í–Ü .h)5 Ü–Í–"Apologize,¥you¥little¥bitch!¥¥Tell¥me¥you're¥sorry!¥¥I'm¥notìgoing¥to¥stop¥spanking¥you¥until¥you¥say¥you're¥sorry."¥–¯–íí–ô–¥–ô–I¥wonder¥if¥she¥remembers¥what¥it¥is¥I'm¥supposed¥to¥apologizeìfor.¥¥She¥just¥needs¥to¥hear¥the¥words.¥¥But¥I¥won't¥give¥–ó–Ü Ü  Üí–ó–in.¥ìShe¥roars¥and¥tries¥to¥hit¥me¥harder,¥faster.¥¥I¥bawl¥at¥everyÜ ù Ü–†–í–†–stroke.¥¥She's¥going¥to¥win,¥and¥this¥why¥I¥am¥crying¥soìbitterly.¥– –Ü ( x Üí– –She¥is¥going¥to¥beat¥me¥until¥I¥say¥I'm¥sorry,¥and¥Iìcan't¥take¥many¥–ˆ–í–ˆ–more¥of¥these.íí–‡–íí–‡–But¥she¥soon¥stops¥of¥her¥own¥accord,¥when¥her¥arm¥tires¥and¥herí–‰–í–‰–drunken¥aim¥starts¥to¥fail.¥¥She¥is¥the¥one¥who¥is¥crying.¥¥Weìlie¥–Š–íí–Š–together,¥me¥with¥my¥red¥bottom¥stretched¥across¥her¥thighs,ìher¥–¾–íí–¾–chest¥crumpled¥over¥my¥back.¥¥My¥tears¥have¥soaked¥the¥foldsìof¥her¥––íí––dress;¥her¥tears¥are¥soaking¥my¥upturned¥skirt;¥our¥sweatìcovers¥us¥––íí––both.¥¥As¥my¥bottom¥cools¥down¥I¥can¥feel¥the¥wetnessìof¥–Ž–íí–Ž–perspiration.¥¥It¥is¥over,¥but¥neither¥of¥us¥has¥the¥strengthìto¥move.¥¥We¥are¥both¥panting¥as¥if¥we¥–“–íí–“–have¥just¥completed¥aìrace.¥¥I¥hate¥her¥for¥doing¥this¥to¥me,¥but¥at¥–”–íí–”–this¥moment¥I¥feelìoddly¥close¥to¥her¥in¥her¥moment¥of¥weakness,¥–Ý–íí–Ý–sandwiched¥betweenìher¥legs¥and¥bosom,¥my¥naked¥thighs¥pushed¥up¥–––íí–––against¥herìsatin-covered¥lap,¥my¥arm¥still¥linked¥with¥her¥free¥–˜–íí–˜–one,¥ourìbodies¥intertwined¥and¥heaving¥in¥unison.íí–—–íí–—–I¥pity¥her,¥though,¥for¥being¥so¥frustrated¥with¥love¥that¥sheìhas¥to¥–›–íí–›–take¥it¥out¥on¥me¥for¥an¥imagined¥crime.¥¥But¥I¥will¥notìforgive¥her.¥–š–íí–š–She¥spanks¥me¥because¥she¥loves¥me,¥she¥says.¥¥Butìit¥doesn't¥really¥–¿–íí–¿–hurt¥because¥I¥don't¥love¥her.í––ííí––--íí–œ–íí–œ–This¥was¥fiction.¥¥The¥lines¥"She¥never¥counts...¥no¥longerìangry"¥–Ÿ–Ü 8 Üí–Ÿ–are¥stolen¥from¥a¥brief¥spanking¥reminiscence¥from¥LindaìGrey¥–à–Ü ¡  Üí–à–Sexton's¥memoir¥of¥mama¥Anne¥Sexton,¥"Searching¥for¥MercyìStreet."¥–Ø–Ü xé! Üíí–Ø–íEverythin––g––¥else¥was¥written¥by¥me¥in¥November¥1994.í––ííí––Mea¥culpa¥if¥this¥presses¥anyone's¥domestic¥abuse¥buttons.¥¥It¥í––í––presses¥all¥of¥my¥hot¥buttons.¥¥Thinking¥about¥this¥imageìprovided¥––íí––many¥minutes¥of,¥uhm,¥satisfaction¥while¥driving¥to¥myìparents'¥––íí––house¥for¥Thanksgiving¥last¥year.í––ííí––Scottí– –í– –