Archive-name: Humour/chance.txt
Archive-author: 
Archive-title: Chance


Section One - The Early Years
 Chapter I - Baby Bimbo


Everyone in Larchmont knew that Chance was a tramp the day she came home
from the the hospital.  At that point in her life it wasn't the rubber pants
that gave her away, or even the fact that when someone picked her up for
burping, she blew in his ear.  Let me put it this way: She did things with her
pacifier that most women still haven't done with their husbands.  Is that a
tramp, or what?
     It was almost unthinkable that we would ever become friends, especially
to my mother.  She considered anyone who wore open-toed shoes an exhibitionist.
     Chance and I were SO unalike.  I mean, when I had diaper rash, she had
herpes.  I'd fuss about going to bed; she'd hit the mattress the minute
someone unzipped her bunting.  I slept with stuffed animals; she slept with
real ones. You get the picture.
     Chance stayed different from the rest of us.  She never went through a NO
phase (her first words were "Sure, sailor!"), never sucked her thumb if she
could suck someone else's, and when she waved "bye-bye," it was with her
panties.
     Even before she was toilet-trained, that tramp's name was on bathroom
walls!


 Chapter II - Toddler Tramp

Before we even entered kindergarten, Chance was raising eyebrows as often
as her skirt.  Think I'm exaggerating??  Well, how many four-year-olds do
you know who've had their birthday parties raided by the police?  I'm serious!
She jumped out of her own birthday cake!
     My mother never let me go to any of Chance's parties after I told her
about the one where we played Simon Says with a whip.  (Simon says, "DO THIS!
DO THAT!")  She'd probably never have let me see Chance again if I'd told where
that preschooler poptart had hidden the marshmallows for the treasure hunt!
     Like men in later years, Chance's toys said a lot about her; all of it
unprintable. Her dollhouse had a red light on it!  Her coloring books had dirty
pictures!  She was the only kid in the neighborhood who had an anatomically
correct G.I. Joe doll - and it was battery operated!!
     She also had an advanced Erector set.  What she did with that is better
left unmentioned.

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