Archive-name: Humour/buns2bar.ney
Archive-author: 
Archive-title: I Gave My Buns To Barney


Read this and weep, oh you millions who lust after dinosaur dingdongs.
This is the true story of a young girl, tender in years and thoughts,
who met RUINATION at the hands of yet another slick Hollywood type, the
one and only potentate of the preschool set, BARNEY.


Friday, July 30
Dear Diary:

Wow, I'm so excited!  Today I got my first job!  It's just too way
totally cool, too... I mean, right out of Peoria College of Television
Arts and Advertising Sciences and like I already have a JOB!  Oh, I am
so happy.  I can't wait.  I am going to be - get this, Diary Dear! - the
PERSONAL ASSISTANT to Barney the Dinosaur on the smash PBS educational
show!  WOW, huh?  I will be making seven big ones an hour, too!

Can't wait to tell that snatch Debbie Fartgold about ye jobbe.  She was
such a twat when she got that job as - woooooo, hold down the excitement
- software development coordinator at Jap-o Electronics, or whatever it
was called.  Like I don't know what SOFTware she's developing!  HAHA.


Monday, August 2
Dear Diary:

Today was the absolutely most STUNNING day of my whole LIFE.  I got to
meet BARNEY, that beloved cuddly purple amphibian of MILLIONS and *I* am
his RIGHT ARM.  He told me so!  Really!  Just like I mentioned to Mom
when I got home - he told me that I would be needing my right arm soon,
as his was getting pretty tired of doing it all himself!  I see a lot
more RESPONSIBILITY coming my way, and maybe more $$$$$$$$!  Soon I will
have my OWN TELEPHONE.

Mom says that Barney is not an amphibian.  She says he's an
"abomination", whatever that is.  I never saw that in MY biology book.


Tuesday, August 3
Dear Diary:

I think - and I would not dare to tell ANYbody but you this, Dear Diary
- that Barney LIKES me!!!!!!!!! He wants to do me a favor, he said so!
He put his arm around my shoulder and said "I love you, you love me -
let's do each other, huh?"

He must have been sort of speechless by my presence, 'cause he forgot to
say "a favor".  Well, when you are a BIG STAR like Barney, you're under
a lot of pressure.  I know that too, 'cause he said the pressure in his
pants was getting BIG.  Poor Barney! I'll have to have some sharp words
with his tailor.  Imagine keeping a STAR in pants he's outgrown!

Wednesday, August 4
Dear Diary:

Barney is such a KID at heart!  Today he asked me to play "Squeeze the
Play-Dough" with him!  He has the greatest colors of Play-Dough, too...
sort of purplish.  They must have made it especially for him.  He likes
to make big purple bananas with it, I think.  He asked me if I wanted to
taste his banana and waived it around in my face while I was hemming up
his new bigger pants.


It's so nice to be around someone with a sense of HUMOR for a change.

Thursday, August 5
Dear Diary:

Boy, am I dumb!  That wasn't Play-Dough at all!  It must be some kind of
new gum, 'cause when I put a little of it in my mouth to taste today, it
was sort of rubbery and then squirted all over my teeth!!!!  It didn't
taste too grapey, though.  I told Barney they needed to work on the
flavor.  He just sort of grunted and told me he'd eat some Now 'n'
Laters tonight.  Whatever that means.

I LOVE MY JOB!!!!


Friday, August 6
Dear Diary:

HE LOVES ME, I know it.  He brought me CANDY today!  It was a big
squooshy block of what he called Laffy Taffy!  I pulled and pulled and
he just hooted and hollered and we had a GREAT time!!!!

I must admit that he seems to like that kind of candy with the squirty
stuff, though.  The candy was just like the gum.  He likes it when it
squirts all over my mouth and runs down my chin. Oh well!  That's why I
carry a hankie!!!!


Monday, August 8
Dear Diary:

I never realized that his job had MEDICAL and DENTAL benefits, too!  It
is just SO COOL.  Barney told me today that my wisdom teeth needed a
good swabbing, and offered to do it himself!  I told him I was scared of
dentists, so he kindly offered to blindfold me.  He is SO THOUGHTFUL.

Barney is a GENIUS.  *It did not hurt a bit!!!!!*  He strapped me in his
chair (if I wiggled too much I might get a nasty surprise, he said) and
then put the blindfold on.  I must admit I gagged a bit when he put the
"swabber" in my mouth - it went all the way to the back of my throat!
He told me that my tonsils looked pretty grungy too, so he pushed and
pushed and pushed until he got the "cleaning solution" ready and then
popped it right down my throat.  Boy, did I smile after that!  My teeth
must SPARKLE! It took him almost twenty minutes to get those tonsils
clean!

Tomorrow he said he would show me how to be a "parts model" - all the
big magazines are looking for girls with clean thighs, he said.  THIS
COULD BE THE BIGTIME FOR ME!!!!!


Tuesday, August 9
Dear Diary:

Barney IS SO NICE.  Today he let me take a nap on his bed!!!!  Imagine,
ME, just another girl from Peoria, lying on a real Hollywood style
couch!  I must have been really tired, 'cause after I drank that glass
of grape juice Barney gave me, I got soooooo sleepy I just conked right
out!  I must have slept for HOURS too, because when I woke up I was all
stiff and sore.

Oh Diary, you're the only one I could whisper this to:  I think I peed
myself in my sleep!  How embarrassing!  When I woke up I was all wet and
sticky from my you-know-where to my knees!

I have to lay off the grape juice, though, cause all of that pee-pee was
sort of purple.


Thursday, August 18
Dear Diary:

Didn't go into work all this week.  Feeling a little sort of queasy in
my tum-tum.


Tuesday, September 21
Dear Diary:

Sorry I haven't written much lately, Dear Diary.  I had to quit my job.
Barney told me I was getting fat and he didn't like fat chicks around.
Haven't been eating much, but my tummy is getting bigger every day.
Must have been all that candy I ate when I was happy and still with my
beloved Barney-buns.

I still like to sit and think about those happy days, pulling the taffy
with Barney, playing dentist and patient, and taking those restful naps.
Boy, those naps were refreshing.  I always woke up kind of sore, but I
think it's 'cause Barney's couch.  It called it is "hump couch" but I
think he meant "lump".  Sometimes it was hard to tell when he had that
cigar in his mouth.


Wednesday, October 1
Dear Diary:

The WEIRDEST THING has happened to me!!!!!!!!  When I woke up this
morning, there were hundreds of FROGS in my bed!  Can you IMAGINE?

Even weirder, though is... they call me "Mom"!

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